Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older (but refuse to grow up) here’s what I’ve discovered….
ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE – I finally got my head together now my body is falling apart.
FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
FIVE – All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT – Some days you are the statue some days you’re the pigeon.
NINE – I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
TEN – Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN – Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE – It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN – The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
NINETEEN – Send same e-mail twice. Send blank e-mail. Send to email wrong person. Send email back to person who sent it to you. Forget to attach the attachment. Hit "SEND" before you’ve finished the email